A Survivor Candidate

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I have a friend.  He’s my best friend, actually.  I’ve known him for ages.  He loves TV.  And, more specifically, he loves reality TV.  Every time I visit, I can’t help but think he should make a quick video and send it to Survivor for consideration as a contestant.  Sure, he’s competitive.  He’s a good observer of people.  He focuses on goals, and he’s tactical in the way that he goes about it.

That said, a lot of the show’s contestants fit that modus operandi.  Their weakness, though, is often their lack of energy and clear-mindedness due to lack of food.  And this is where he has an advantage, trained since the day he left home 30+ years ago. 

Imagine, if you will, a traditional two story, colonial style house in nice suburban middle class neighborhood.  It has a two car garage, a back porch, and a nicely maintained yard.  Without listing the rooms, which are ample for his needs, there is, of course, a kitchen, which, other than his TV, has the most to do with this post.  It’s a fine kitchen and appears barely used, possibly a priority for him in case he should some day decide to sell it.  

Let’s take a peek. 

First, the fridge, where all those perishable meats, fruits and vegetables go.


Well, dang it. Did some mystery person raid it just before I got there.  Alas, no.  This is statistically within +/- 5% of his typical stock during his 5 years of residence.  

Let’s see… Grape juice and orangish juice.  That’s a good start to a morning.  Does it go well with the Slimfast on the lower shelf?  I think not.  Maybe it’s an either/or game time decision.   

Continuing on, we have Gatorade, Mountain dew, Pepsi, and… Pepsi.   After that rousing breakfast, I guess he needs a caffeine boost.  But then, to the –5% consideration, there isn’t a whole lot of drinks there.  So, maybe he drinks a lot of water instead?

Oh, dear.  The counter stocks tell their own story.


Well, okay then.  The freezer was empty, so let’s check the pantry.


Ah, Chef Boyardee to the rescue!  Why waste time preparing food when you can just dump a can and nuke it?  Extra points for variety, with both Spaghetti & Meatballs and Ravioli available for alternating days.   Throw in some salt… and more salt… okay.  And a little Swiss Miss for a cold night?  Can’t fault that.  The barbeque sauce, however… hmm.  If Chef Boyardee didn’t think it was needed, why would he?  The dish at the top, I admit, subtracts from a clearly observable trend.  I’m thinking it must have been a white elephant gift.

Now, let’s apply this to Survivor.

1)  It doesn’t take much, whether measured by quality or quantity, to keep him fed.  That’s critically important.

2) Given a general lack of pots/pans/dishes, it’s very possible that he’s content eating directly from a can.   Therefore, while his tribe is without fire, he should be benefit from larger portions while others come to understand that there’s nothing else around.  I happen to know that he prefers his meat, obviously a rarity, served rare.  That works well as meats could be served at island temperature, 85-90 degrees.  Maybe he would win salt in a challenge.

3) Is Slimfast “breakfast?”  I don’t know.  But I would think that if he drank an extra portion of water, it would satisfy for just as long.  His day, compared to his starved contestants, would be off and running.  That said, the first day or two may be challenging as his system determines whether it can cope with water that has not been carbonated, mixed with chocolate powder, or flavored with chemicals.  For a month… I think he can.

4) It’s sad that so many contestants complain, complain, complain…  I’d have to think that he would have quite an advantage based on a core diet of canned processed food.  He obviously doesn’t demand his protein in a variety of forms, and vegetables?  Please.  Let the others fret over their lack of sprouts and guacamole.  He’s made it this long without any of that nonsense.    While they’re thinking about their stomachs, he’ll be playing with their minds.

He’s survived.  Why not Survivor?

(Note: The contents of this post are not recommended for physicians, dieticians, kids searching for role models, or any food-centric activist group. However, he is available for paid endorsements by Pepsi Corporation and is open to entreaties by attractive females of slightly lesser age who feel the need to care for an adult pet.  As a friend some miles away, I can only feed him sporadically).

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