Stupid Dog


At some point years ago, it seemed a good idea to bring in this dark fluffy pile of puppy to the household.  We put a sock in her mouth and dragged her around the kitchen to her pleasure, and she was fairly effective as a broom.  We named her "Gypsy," I think in part to the seeming well traveled path of her genetic heritage.DSC_0453

She grew, of course, into a large dark fluffy pile of dog, all shoulders and girth.  She's no longer particularly effective for any noted purpose.   To be fair, she suffers in comparison to her predecessor, Ringo, an Australianringo shepherd who fairly well governed the household  in the absence of his masters.

He was a stately, intelligent, and protective element in our home, and even a fine Frisbee catcher before age caught up to him.  Guests might quake with his bark, but they admired his refined good looks nonetheless.

Almost cute, yes? Gypsy is capable of a cupcake pose, at least.  But gypsy3 she's still a stupid dog. My rule when adding any pet to the household is that "I'm not responsible."  I'm happy to enjoy the benefits of having a pet, but all the negatives are someone else's problem.  Some may be thinking, "stupid man," but with a few exceptions, it has worked out as intended.

As compared with our Aussie, whose bark impressed upon others the possibility that he might bite, Gypsy welcomes visitors with all the charm of Godzilla, giant teeth flashing.  Add a littlegypsy1 froth to her nose and mouth, and you get the picture.  People don't realize that this apparent hellhound doglike spawn of hell is actually smiling at them. 

Gypsy's most "endearing" trait is her manner of greeting guests, once her mandibles of death close to something smaller than the size of a human head.  She is actually a very friendly dog and, in a particular way, is very giving of herself.  Like any other dog, she loves to know newcomers by gaining a sense of where they've been, what fragrance soap or detergent they may prefer, what other animals they may have brushed against, or whatever else dogs can discern.  But, be it known, she likes to sniff.

The difference here, though, is two things.  First, people find it somewhat surprising that she is incapable of sniffing from a short distance.  In fact, she finds it necessary to place her cold, mucus covered snout on the person being sniffed.  If you will refer to her charming smile, many find this even more unsettling.

Only, she's not done.  In order for her to gain the fullest sense of others' aromatic story, she needs to draw a breath to her lung's full measure, and to do so first requires exhaling.  In other words, the moistness on her nose is only the tip of the iceberg, and, unexpectedly, guests find themselves fully slimed, with an accompanying Snort that brings to mind a classroom of children blowing their noses on cue.

But I digress.  This is supposed to be about stupid dog, not uncouth dog. 

As I explained, she's not my dog.  She knows this, as my wife is clearly the person who 1) cares for her (emotionally) and 2) cares for her (functionally).  I don't care for her.  For me, she is just an embarrassment to dogdom, and I'm left only with the amused contentment  that comes with others' sudden appreciation of her uniqueness when she greets them, as described.

So, why is it that when I return home, she's at the door waiting for me?  She puts the same "face" forward as she does with other guests, only she bucks like a bronco and spins around in her excitement. 

You might think that "Oh, that's so sweet!  He probably pets her, and she's happy for the attention."

You would be wrong.

You see, only my wife has mastered the technique of petting her, unless she's lying down and not expecting it.  Otherwise, any hand approaching her head is targeted by her nasal rocket launchers and summarily strafed. And they're radar guided.  She doesn't stop as long as your hand is within ballistic range.  Sorry, Gypsy.  It's just not worth it.  Stupid dog.

But then... there's this weird sense she has.  Weekdays, my wife usually sleeps while I shower and dress for work.  As I pass through the bedroom, she lies content on the floor in snooze mode waiting for my wife to wake later.  Good! I'm off to work. On a weekend, though, I can go through the same motions, and as soon as I exit the bathroom, there she is at the door, waiting for me to feed her and let her out.  What gives?

Today, I happen to be taking the day off from work, and I put on clothes to go to the gym.  There she is, waiting for me to let her out.  How did she know? There's plenty of other examples.

It seems she has an innate understanding that when I'm going to work, I really don't want to bother with feeding her.  On any other occasion, I really don't want to bother with feeding her either, but she knows I have no reason that I can't.

Stupid dog.


  1. She knows to leave you alone when you are leaving for work, but when you come home or will be home you are fair game. Sounds pretty smart to me. *grin*

  2. Does a mix breed make for a stupid dog or is it a complex that you gave her by calling her stupid? Shame on you young man! I hope you don't give your new puppy the same complex. But wait, that one is a purebred. One that you paid good money for therefore, it cannot be stupid. That just might be you!
    Love again!

  3. The new dog... may or may not be particularly bright. She is, however, well aware of her soft hair and rascally face, and is all too aware of the advantages good looks offers in life. More to discern yet, as this is only week #2.