Plumbing the Depths of One’s Soul

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We’re attached to our smart phones, aren’t we?  We dress them, protect them, cherish them, and keep them close.  In the age of connectivity, we’re just as connected to our phones. In fact, misplace one, and a sense of panic may ensue.  Modern life may carry on without it, but it would be such a cruel, inefficient, detached life. 

My niece got a new iPhone 5 as a gift from her mom recently.  Of coursphoto2e, the phone is new, because the model hasn’t  been out long enough for it to be used.  Modern life involves going places, and the phone goes with you.

My brother in-law enjoys tailgating.  Satellite TV, couches, stereos with freestanding speakers, a cooler of beer, a full bar even.   Extend this across multiple tents and add a dance floor, and you get the picture.

All he needs is an occasion and guests.  And so it was that my niece, her husband, and other family and friends gathered to tailgate at the Georgia Dome for the SEC Championship game featuring Alabama and some other team (to hear them tell it).

Going tailgating?  Phones are a must.  You gotta let everyone know how fortunate you are, so you have to text.  Maybe update Facebook.  And/or tweet.  You might use the built in camera, or look up your favorite mixed drink recipe.  Heck, you can even keep up with football scores if it came down to it.

Tailgating and purses don’t mix.  A certain amount of freedom is required.  So, what do you do with you phone?  My niece cuts a trim figure, and she safely stowed her coveted (and pointedly uninsured) iPhone 5 into her snug rear pocket.

Good, right?

You’d think so.  And I’ve just laid the groundwork for some type of tragedy.  So, let’s get to it.

No, she didn’t leap to catch a football and accidentally land on unyielding ground, smashing her phone to bits.  Whew.

And, no, it didn’t fall from her pocket to meet a harsh reality called concrete.    Whew again.

You might think, given the area, some miscreant relieved her of her iPhone for an easy financial score.  Rest easy.  It wasn’t that, either.  Urban crime is a particular manifestation of evil, but what we’re arriving at is a grislier matter.    

I’ve described the scene.  What do people do at tailgate parties?  Eat and drink, of course.  Sometimes, they do this a lot. Then what do they do?

So, there she was, in the Porta Potty...  She lowers her pants, begins to squat and.... (insert a sound of your choice.  Plop?  Splat? Squish?).   There goes the iPhone.   Panic!  She looks, and... it’s a sad tale, really, meeting such a fate.  Dearly departed and buried to boot. 

In the telling, she didn’t say what her reaction was, but silently or verbally, we must imagine that her exasperation was somewhere between the piercing cry of a Pterodactyl to the wailing of souls condemned to a lake of eternal fire.  This shouldn’t happen.  It was a brand new iPhone 5!

Do you rush to action in such situations?  Well, no.  You take stock of the situation.  It’s down there, but you don’t know where.  A roll of toilet paper doesn’t equate to usable tool.  It’s just you... and the abyss...   Well, okay, there are secondary factors as well.  First, your mom will give you no end of grief, even if you are a married adult.  And you really, really liked the phone.  Heck, you need a phone.  Someone might call.  Maybe your mom.

So, with your resolve encouraged by... Well, stop.  With your revulsion somewhat lessened by a generous portion of alcohol, you do what you must when “dirty work” is at hand.  You roll up on your sleeves and get to work.

So she did just that.  And found it, finally.  Our concluding video begins about where I’ve left off.  Aside from the narrative, additional comic relief is provided by the Vaudevillian faces of Uncle Alan.

How far would you reach?

Oh, yeah.  The phone... it’s perfect! 

1 comment :

  1. Ew. The last time my friends invited me to tailgate one stopped, looked at me, then said, "if you are a vegetarian, don't drink, and don't like football, I guess there isn't much point in tailgating." Glad someone enjoys it!

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