Zoltar Lives!

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You never know what will happen when you mess with palm readers, spiritualists, or, in Zoltar’s case, automated fortune tellers.  Zap!  It’s magic, and you just lost your childhood. 

Hey, it happened in Big.  It could happen to you.

We’re talking about spiritual forces here - God, Satan, jinn, angels, demons, gastrointestinal hiccups, or other inter-dimensional type cosmological forces.

All this is available to you for a low, low cost of… opening a Chinese fortune cookie.  A nickel.  A Ouija Board.  $20.  Your soul.  I’ll leave it to you to name what you’re willing to pay for a little magic in your life.  But people do, because Zoltar, in all his forms, (apparently) delivers.

Driving through Woodstock, GA on Hwy 92, it’s hard not to notice a particular billboard that pushes back at the night sky.  It gives me the creeps.  No, it’s not for a car dealership, and no, it’s not for a “gentleman’s club.”  It’s for a lawyer, and not just any lawyer, but a lawyer that promises magic.  He has a catchy phrase, but I’d prefer not to pay to defend my right to free speech.  Anyway…

Look at him… the flawless skin, the arched eyebrows, the blinding white of his eyes, the penetrating stare, the smug confidence imagein the set of his jaw, the forward incline of his head.  Yes, you see it too.  He wants to control your thoughts.  And he’s speaking to you. 

Now slowly cast your eyes in a clockwise motion around the perfectly spread deck of cards.  They’re amazing, aren’t they?   They’re even sorted by suit.  In order.  Now continue, but just follow the colors. Good, now again.  Good…  Keep listening to my voice.  You’re starting to feel very… sleepy.  Good...  And now you’re at rest, and… you trust me.  Listen carefully.  I’m here like magic.  And if you have a legal problem, I’ll make it disappear.  Remember that in your hour of need.  Now, when I count down from three, you’ll wake up.  Be calm and relaxed as the patrolman who is walking up to your car taps on your window.  He’s wondering why you’ve ignored the traffic light for the last two cycles.  Whatever happens, it’s okay.  You know who to call.  I’ll make your troubles… disappear! Three… two… one…

I’m not sure if the Supreme Court quite anticipated the evolution that marketing would follow when they determined that attorneys had the right to advertise (Bates vs. State Bar, 1977).  But when you’re in need, who ya gonna call?  Ghostbusters?

Of course not.  You’re going to call an attorney.  Given that most people rarely need a lawyer, how does an attorney attract your interest and pull you in as a client?  Clearly, Zoltar was inevitable.

And it’s not like my local Zoltar was first.  Other mesmerizers have preceded him.  See below?  Now, look deep into his eyes… and make that call.

*No representation is made that the quality of the legal services to be performed is greater or worse than the quality of legal services performed by other lawyers.

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